Thursday, January 03, 2008


Christmas Day I bought a ticket to THE GOLDEN COMPASS and then went into the AVP-R theater. No money went to the Studio to support this film or possible future outings. Here goes....

The movie was just DUMB with no redeeming qualities, scenes or even moments. I was hoping for enough cool imagery to atleast put together a short edit... like a music video montage... but no, there's nothing. Absolutely nothing. Atleast with AVP-1 (which I rate an "F"), it had a few moments of semi-neat imagery. This... nothing. At best its a fan-made film for a YouTube audience who are tired of the high-quality level of direct-to-dvd sequels.

Before the main review, h
ere are 6 additional things I wanted to mention:

1) One of the characters is named "DALLAS". Seriously, they use names from the original movies.

2) They ignore previously established facts of the Alien life cycle. From facehugger, to chestburster to full grown Alien happens within a few minutes.

The "directors" swipe, shot-for-shot, movement-for-movement from previous films (Predator removing helmet just one example). In addition, the score is a hodgepodge of previous films' music, assembled in a sloppy manner. Again, I use the words "Fan Film" and "Hacks".

4) The Aliens are total chumps that seem weak and incapable of anything except killing teenagers. Also, modern day pistols and shotguns can kill them, where its been established in ALIENS that "regular" ammo bounces off the Aliens' exoskeleton (look to Gorman in airduct scene). The only bullets that seemed to penetrate the exoskeleton was the marines' explosive tip armor piercing rounds. But I guess buckshot works, too. Dipshits. Seriously, they really chump out the Aliens....another case in point: The Predator is tackled by two Alien warriors and thrown onto his back and submerged in the sewers waters. He's able to get back up on his feet holding both Aliens by their throats, hold them in place in the air as they fight and then kill them. Really, guys? sigh.

5) They cross the line of taste and beyond.... for me atleast... Nevermind the 9yr old boy being chestbursted... or the Predalien threatening the newborn babies in the hospital. The pic to the right.... that scene is where a 9-month pregnant woman's water breaks in the hospital. The baby is on the way! But then the Predalien comes in, holds her down as she screams and orally rapes her with its funky multi-chestburster delivery tube. Moments later, as she screams in pain, her pregnant belly explodes in a rain of blood and flesh, revealing a handful of chestbursters in her open, gore-infested womb. Later you see the bodies of several other deceased pregnant women who suffered the same fate. I don't know what makes me more upset... the tastelessness or the lame idea of the Predalien.

6) Two 15 year old boys, after seeing the movie, complained that the movie was boring, stupid and a complete waste of their time. Ha!

Now onto the main review....

I can't imagine anyone on the planet received a bigger present this Christmas morning than Paul W.S. Anderson....He can now take comfort in the knowledge that he hasn't directed the worst film to feature Aliens and Predators.

It boggles the mind to even contemplate how dreadful "Requiem" is. The map leading to quality was clearly laid out by Anderson's moronic work with his 2004 installment "AVP," and any filmmaker with half a brain could've manufactured something that restores a little of the glossy ferociousness that marked both the "Alien" and "Predator" franchise over the last three decades with minimal effort. Instead, we meet directorial newcomers Colin and Greg Strause, two random FX flunkies who turn this sequel into a vile, joyless, murky, moronic, amateurish, contemptuous, numbing, unintentionally hilarious, and thoroughly diseased motion picture.

The Brothers Strause... tear through the film without the slightest clue what they're doing, blindly foraging through the script for the nastiest bits of bodily harm to exploit for the marketing. The boys have no idea how to instruct actors, stage action, explore visual effects, or tell a story. Their function is primarily to oversee madness and somehow pull 80-minutes of tripe together for 20th Century Fox.

[Daniel Pearl, the cinematographer]... prefers to light his frame with all the illumination power of a birthday candle. If "Requiem" wasn't horrible enough of a picture to start with, it's also impossible to view, with entire chunks of the narrative and action lost to total darknes.... It's also futile to figure out what the Aliens and Predators are doing at any given moment of the film. Call me a snob, but I actually enjoying the luxury of watching a movie, not sitting with a black screen listening to a tiresome symphony of hacky sound effects.

Shane Salerno's screenplay is another deadly tool of "Requiem," placing an interstellar war in the middle of a "Saved by the Bell" episode, as one of our "heroes" deals with a bland high school crush and persistent teen bullies. The script is really a patchwork quilt of clich├ęs, with every single human merely a bookmark for later monster consumption. It doesn't help matters to have bottom-of-the-barrel actors running around the film, but that doesn't excuse the script's stupidity and bottom-feeding nature.

.....a middle-finger to the paying crowd.......

The initial wave of "Alien" films and the first "Predator" were mighty classics of cinema; scrappy gorefests that took immense care building characterization and treated dramatic payoff like the ultimate dessert. "Requiem" is nothing more than a glorified Sci-Fi Channel Original, teeming with bargain-basement production values, tiring waves of stupidity, and a promise (or threat) of another installment to come. My word, haven't the faithful suffered enough?\

--by Brian Orindorf


Ok, the part in between the blue ** was actually from a kickass review by Brian Orindorf! I had to trick you into thinking it was my voice otherwise you wouldn't have read, would you? I know because I originally posted with his name attached first and EVERYONE stopped reading my post at that point. Grrrrr. I included Brian's because he said EXACTLY what I wanted to write, but only more professional and without the rage. (Thank you, Brian! GREAT REVIEW! I hope you don't mind me using it here... I tried to give credit as best as possible and still have JimSmashers read it.)
(Brian's complete review posted here)

In addition, Tim Brayton blogged, "It's the first horror film I can recall where all during the rote "personal drama" shit I was bored out of my skull and longing for the stalking and carnage, and all during the carnage, I was longing for the personal drama. This is in part because of first-time directors and long-time visual effects artists Colin and Greg Strause (credited, annoyingly, as "The Brothers Strause"), who apparently can't do anything right."


Andrew Glazebrook said...

I won't be seeing this film at the cinema anyway and from what I've been reading review wise I doubt I'll even catch it on DVD.
I hear someone say how come such a small town has such big sewer systems/storm drains !!

Anonymous said...

Wow, sounds horrible! Nice review, Jim! Although I was expecting more smashing. Your lack of rage speaks volumes in this case.

By the way, since reading JimSmash, I now tend to watch the first 2 Alien movies somewhat often. That and the original Star Wars.

You're brainwashing us.

Thought you'd want to know that.
JimSmash. Its a way of life.

Anonymous said...

Fantastic review! We caught an early screening in LA and thought the same thing. You (and Brian) covered all the main bases. A truly boring, unrememberable turd.

Anonymous said...

I hope that they CRASH AND BURN hard so that they can finally learn from their mistakes and make a film worthy of watching .. here's to hoping !!

jaganar said...


YOU ALSO need to note THAT AVP : garbage (2) had something you never EVER saw in a alien/ predator film .

*THIS KILLED THE FILM before a single shot was fired by anyone*

sure we had fucking , in predator 2.( they got killed in the condo , sure but it was SEX !!)

the 2 soldiers in AlienS part 2.

but never that ANGSTY lovy dovy garbage .