Thursday, December 10, 2009

DREAMSCAPE: A NEW ALIEN RESURRECTION

Occasionally I'll have an ALIEN Dream that's vivid, kicks ass and makes me sad that I wake up. Often times, these dreams are sequels I'm watching on a movie screen (the better ones are me IN the movie!). The other night I had one where I was watching a different version of ALIEN: RESURRECTION; director's cut, remake, alternate reality, what-have-you. It was very similar to the original version but with about a dozen noteworthy changes. I've been thinking about this dream for over a week now and so, I share with you now those things that were changed, which made ALIEN: RESURRECTION different/better:

10) NO WINONA RYDER
The movie is already improved by 75%.
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9) NO RIPLEY-8
But she was at the beginning where the scientists harvest the queenburster from "the Ripley Clone" specimen. The brain-dead body was then disgarded.

Note: Not having Ripley8 removes the horrid scenes such as "Ripley 1-7 Discover" scene, the basketball scene, and cringing dialogue such as "Fuck?/No, Fork", "Who do I have to fuck to get off this ship", "....here... where the meat is", and more!
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8) MORE EMPHASIS ON DNA EXPERIMENTS
Not just cloning, but also crazy mad scientist shit. This increase emphasis DNA Experimentation plays out later.
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7) PREDATOR CORPSE IN LAB
Similar to the Alien Skull in 'Predator 2', the scientists were doing scientist-stuff on a Predator cadaver. How did they get it? I don't know. It was a mystery and I was fine with that. Not EVERYTHING needs to be explained, ya know?
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6) ALIENS, NOT PUMPKINHEADS
My brain knows better and reverted the Aliens back to look & sound of Cameron/Winston's Alien (ALIENS). Which meant a return to biomechanicals & rounded-back heads, no-flimsy tubes, no-KY Jelly parties, no double-joint legs, and no swimming tails. I hate the Resurrection Alien design. Atleast in my dreams they are correct!
In addition, even the eggs looked like their normal, cool static selves (not animated jelly pods).
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5) THE ACTORS WERE ON THEIR A-GAME
Most of the actors have been pretty good in other roles. Watch this movie with French Dub and its a huge improvement. The physical performances are there (for the most part) - It's the delivery that kills me. Anyway, in my dream the acting was superb.
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4) MORE ACTION SCENES (& COMPETENT MARINES)
Yes! The marines atleast TRIED to fight back and went down in a blaze of glory (no fumbling for escape pods). And the smugglers were running, pooping their pants and escaping from some vicious horrifying Aliens, while losing many of their numbers in doing so! Think more-James Cameron action.
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3) PREGNANT QUEEN
Sadly, my brain decided to keep this. Stupid brain! Stabby! Anyway, the scene was slightly better in that she looked like James Cameron's original Queen sketch. No Queen on back, spread eagle with labor pains.
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2) THE NEWBORN.....
Was the fucking Predalien.
I know, right? (Stupid brain!). Anyway, remember that Predator cadaver above by the scientists doing crazy dna experiments? Well there ya go - the Predalien was the result of DNA splicing. While I do hate the Predalien (you all know this), atleast HERE the Predalien makes some sense as a hybrid; horrible dna experiment gone wrong and an abomination in the eyes of God.

It did look a bit different tho... it was black and biomechanical in look, as if Giger himself had designed and built it. And the dreadlocks were angled back, running back along the non-queen head (not bouncing around like Sideshow Bob). It looked similar to a variation of the above Predalien concept pics and it "worked". An dit didn't procreate by raping pregnant women or any such nonsense. It was just... there.
Note: The removal of the horrible Newborn meant no "Cooing" and "Mama" wimpers, or "bitchtits" as one fan called them (classy!). And that's a mighty good thing.

Oh, and the "Newborn/Predalien" ended with the Aliens sensing the abomination that it is, swarming in on it and tearing it to pieces! Die die die!!!
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1) NO STUPID LITTLE SHIT
While most of the above inherently removed most of the stupid shit, there still remained some dangling dingleberries in the film, like:

* "Beautiful, beautiful butterfly!"
*
the Hairy-Armed General pulling pieces of his brain out, staring at it cross-eyed, then collapsing....
* "Who were you expecting? Santa Claus?!!"....
* Chestburster punching through Purvis' chest AND Wren's skull....
* the Auriga's main computer being "Father"....
* ricocheting bullets & grenades....
* the Newborn being sucked out of the window through a tiny hole....
* Ripley ripping out the Alien's [limp] tongue & giving to Call...
* etc etc etc...

All those little craptastic moments were removed! Thank you brain! You will be rewarded with beer!

So there you have it....
My brain's gift to me while I slept: A new Alien:Resurrection.

I am a giant dork.

16 comments:

dr lazarus said...

Holy sh*t!!!

I love this blog!
You sir, are getting another Aliens book!

LFC said...

ahhh sorry i had previously posted my comment int he wrong post sooo with out further adou here you ago lol

wow........ im speechless... all i can say is WHAT BRILLIANT POST!

Phil Freeman said...

That is awesome. I do some fanediting (working on a transformers improvement atm), but it's too bad your changes are a bit more extreme than just edits, otherwise I'd try to make this real.

Fraser Lovatt said...

You are indeed a giant dork - but I would definitely go and see that movie.

Fraser Lovatt said...

Sorry just had to leave another comment, as the next Capcha up was "thing" and I had to use it.

Anonymous said...

I am a pretty big Jean-Pierre Jeunet/Marc Caro fan. Despite this, I still think Alien 4 was a turd. It had some decent moments, but in general, it was blasphemy. What I did like were some of the subtle hints that the story might have taken some queues from the Dark Horse series I know and love, especially the bits with the psycho general who wanted to "use" the Xenos for weapons, etc. The newborn is terrible, we didn't need Ripley, and Winona should not have been in this film. Either way, I lost any and all hope with Alien 3, so by the time I saw Alien 4 I was just like, "whatever". I like all your ideas though. I was just admiring my Den Beavais drawings last night and thinking about the comic. Why/How the hell did they FUBAR the story so bad?

Jim said...

I agree with everything you just said, nfpgasmask!

Five Fingers said...

Jim, have you seen the Predator Bike yet?

allen etter said...

I had the exact same dream!

Just kidding. Like yours tho.

kelly said...

That movie was pretty bad. But I saw it long ago, and sometimes I think, "Maybe I should watch it again, because maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought?" By the way, this is the exact same "reasoning" that ended with me watching Transformers 2 TWICE (I know it's lame I even watched it once, but in my defense - it was the Rifftrax'd version).

"the Hairy-Armed General pulling pieces of his brain out, staring at it cross-eyed, then collapsing...."

I have to say. I will suspend my disbelief for just about anything. But someone who moves around and does a bunch of stuff AFTER their brain has been demolished? COME ON!

woobot said...

the Predalien! WTF lol

Rictor said...

Another kickass post, Jim!

Unknown said...

no alien resurrection

Jim said...

agree. resurrection is poop.

Generic Viagra said...

There are too many things should be corrected to get a good movie film, however anybody on this world is perfect and the mistakes always will be present in the films, specially when we are talking about Aliens.
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Unknown said...
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