This morning I received an email from JimSmash Reader "G.L." who smashes in detail a "Hi and Lois" comic strip. I thought I'd share:
"I gotta say, I think I'm more upset that the mythology has been butchered than that Brian & Greg Walker just saw an opportunity to draw all their favorite old superheroes and jumped on it despite it making no sense."
Zeus (R: Jupiter) = Jor-El
Which makes Kal-El a bastard child and Jor-El's wife his sister (who kind of hated her life and her husband and all his illegitimate kids, but can you blame her?). Also potentially making every relative of Superman's either a sibling or banging his dad, which sounds crazy enough until you add comics logic and multiverses to the mix. Oh yeah, I went there.
Apollo (R: same thing, alt. Phoebus Apollo) = Kal-El
I don't think the writers know that Apollo was originally a god of archery, disease, and oracular prophecy via getting virgin priestesses hiiiiigh. The whole "sun" and "the arts" thing wasn't until much later, and even then, I don't know exactly what the connection between these two is meant to be. If Kal is going to be a bastard, doesn't it make more sense for him to be Herakles? Or are kids not being taught about adultery in school for fear it will make them have sex, or about Hercules for fear they will turn gay?
Athena (R: Minerva) = Wonder Woman
Any kid having problems with their Greco-Roman mythology shouldn't touch Wonder Woman comics at all. And with all the hyperchastity belt adventures and excessive moon-naming, you'd think Artemis or Diana would make more sense. But then the Apollo as Superman analogy doesn't work, does it?
Mars (Gk: Ares) = Captain America
This is hysterical on so many levels. Seriously.
Mercury (Gk: Hermes) = The Flash
And this is miserable logic. Also, Hermes was kind of a douche, but his animal symbol being the tortoise is pretty freakin' funny here.
Helios (R: Sol Invictus) ((this god was eventually combined with Apollo)) = The Human Torch
Wouldn't the Human Torch be more of an Icarus? This is the most accurate one either way... Except for the inevitable slashfic resulting with the "union" of Johnny Storm and/or The Vision with Clark Kent. *shudder* Side note! As a kid in school, we never studied Helios separately from Apollo, and most people don't know about the amalgamation of various religions into one applying to every religion ever, so, yeah. IRRELEVANCE FOR THE WIN!
Poseidon (R: Neptune) = Submariner
Ehhh. It's underwater, but Poseidon's a lot closer to Aquaman in spirit (and in crazy random animal powers), since Submariner is pretty consistently handed the crap end of the stick all the time. This was also glaringly obviously a throwback, because 1) it is speedo Namor and 2) preeetty sure kids know Aquaman more than the Submariner.
Vulcan (Gk: Hephaestus) = Thor
At first I was all "WHAAAAT" because Norse Mythology =/= comics =/= Greco-Roman mythology, and having a hammer isn't enough to make Vulcan = Thor (plus the thrown out, golden opportunity for a Star Trek reference), but then I remembered Vulcan's crippled, so I guess that's one thing? They really have nothing else in common whatsoever. Hephaestus was a depressed guy, and depressing to be around. Generally nobody liked him unless he'd invented something particularly useful, like the ergonomic office chair or the voice-activated smart house.
Nice. Thanks, G.L.!
And I would also like to add that their drawing of Captain America is from Bryan Hitch's Ultimates. Ultimate Captain America? Foreshame!