Friday, September 21, 2007

7 REASONS WHY AVP2 WILL SUCK

7 REASONS (thus far) WHY AVP2 WILL SUCK ANUS:

In no particular order....
1) Yes, that is an Alien on top of a car... with scared teenagers inside. Maybe they're at Lover's Lane? Oh how a brilliant series has become "Jason vs Freddy". sigh.

2) It takes place on Earth... in modern times... in a small town in the U.S. I have HUGE issues with these movies being on Earth AND in a modern setting. Just have them on another planet (hel-lo, it's Sci-Fi!) and if they simply must have it on Earth, have it in the FUTURE, ala Blade Runner look/feel (again, Sci-Fi!)... having it on earth in modern times cheapens the mythos and turns the film into a cheezie 50s Invasion From Mars type movie. Can we say "Slither"? (which I enjoyed, but its a different genre). When ALIENS are involved, it should always be in the distant future or beyond. "ALIEN" is the first time humans have ever encountered the creature (do the FOX people watch their own movies? I think not).

3) We're going to see the Predator HOMEWORLD. I'm thinking something lame and looking very similar to the Klingon homeworld as seen on Star Trek: The Next Generation.... actually, no.... they'll probably tie it in with the lame concept of the Predators' roles with early human civilization (as seen in AVP1) and have everything "modern pyramids".... Stargate vs Predator. Oh, and we'll probably see Predator Mommys and Predator babies. I simply do not have faith that this will be handled well.
4) According to the directors, "a kid painfully and graphically dies on screen via a chestburster alien". What psycho wants to witness this scene? Off-screen, perhaps... but a full scene watching a child scream in pain as an alien bursts out of its chest, breaking bones and spraying blood in one of the most agonizing deaths ever to grace the screen? Tasteless. Rewatch Kane's infamous chestburster scene in ALIEN and tell me if you think it's a good idea to watch a child go through that.

5) Getting back to the small town setting again, here's a snippet from the directors: "You've got a small-town sheriff who everyone doubts a little bit. We've got a brother story between Steven Pasquale and Johnny Lewis ['The O.C.'] ... There's also a mom returning from the war and trying to get reunited with her family and re-establishing her relationship with her daughter. She gets very Ripley-esque; she's a tough chick." UGGGHHHH!!!! Plus, having someone from the O.C. is enough for its own number on this list.

6) The main Predator is a "Cleaner" coming to clean up the mess. He's even referred to by the director's as "THE WOLF", ala Pulp Fiction. No word if a female Predator Bride hellbent on revenge will make an appearance in AVP3. But there's a good chance she'll make an appearance on the Predator Homeworld.

7) The "PREDALIEN" will be in it... and yes, it has dreadlocks. And it looks like the 1992 Kenner toy of the Alien Queen, which was ridiculous looking. Just have the PredAlien look like a normal Alien but give it the mandibles. Done. No dreadlocks. Nooooo dreadlocks.
[ Left: PredAlien / Right: Crappy toy ]
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and just to be fair,
some "GOOD" things I've heard about the film:

* The Final Alien Vs Predator scene is in the RAIN which could be cool visually.

* No more lame huge Predator armor as seen in AVP1. Seriously, they looked like jacked-up steroid users in football padding. They've gone back-to-basics like the Predators looked in Predator and Predator 2... more or less. (hopefully their faces don't look SILLY like in AVP...oops, this is the "positive" section...sorry).

* The directors are using digitally remastered audio clips from James Cameron's ALIENS; Aliens hissing, doors opening, etc. Which is good because the sound in Aliens ruled. But isn't that kind of cheating? Anyway, no more lameass Alien noises like in Resurrection and AVP! At the very least, the Aliens will sound cool and correct.

* The Alien head is back to its proper elongated phallic self! (unlike the crappy Resurrection & AVP shortened heads). And they are having them look more-or-less like James Cameron's Aliens... ie no clear dome on head (my personal favorite version by a hair). The AVP2 heads are still "off" and still look like a dude in a rubber suit, tho.

Previous AVP2 post with Trailer
.
My previous AVP2 plot prediction.

4 comments:

breonix said...

The Alien Family!
Go ahead and ask um.....
They'll tell ya!
We are from France!

Dr Lazarus said...

Great post, Jim!
I agree 100%
Although it does look like an improvement from the first AVP, which isn't saying much.

oh, and your Predator family pic had me in tears! hilarious!!!

Homie Bear said...

AS long as they're not celebrating Life Day on the Predworld . . .

Jim said...

Hahahaha!!