MOVIE REVIEW: GHOST RIDER

Holy shit did this movie suck! I'm at a loss of words to describe this turd. But I shall do my best to give you an idea of how bad this bad movie is... a bad movie I KNEW was going to be bad going in, mind you.

* The pic posted is not a mistake. Look for the GHOST RIDER dvd to be packaged neatly with CATWOMAN this holiday season! Yeah, its that bad.

* 20min in, the guy 4 seats over from us was fast asleep and snoring loudly. No one woke him because throughout the movie, during those brief moments of silence, the theater would be filled with his boarish snores. Everyone would laugh; it was the most entertaining part of the theater experience.

* EVA MENDES was a talking pair of boobs.
No, wait... a DUMB pair of BAD ACTING boobs. Seriously, every time she showed up on screen, her boobs were about to burst free at the audience. The entire theater, in return, burst into laughter at the absurdity.... only to be silenced by the uncomfortable bad acting which quickly followed her entrance. To better give you an idea of her role in the film.... In an interview from last week she was asked what her thoughts were regarding the original character being portrayed as a white simple girl. Mendes' reply? She was happy the producers wanted "FLAVOR"... and then giggled ever so sexily. Yep, that's her contribution - to be flavor. I kept wishing for Jennifer Garner's Elektra to come in and replace her. Yeesh!!

* The Young Johnny Blaze scenes.... ok, picture if THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS moved to the WB then quickly cancelled thereafter.

* I was not informed this was a crossover movie. Apparently, director Mark Steven Johnson was able to borrow some villains from CHARMED!

* On a scale of 1-10, the chemistry between Nicholas Cage and Eva Mendes was a ZERO. I'm convinced they were filmed at different locations and later composited together in their scenes.

* At times, I was EMBARRASSED for some of the actors (primarily Cage and Sam Elliott) because you could tell they had no idea just how bad of a movie they were starring in. Poor bastards.

* The visuals were BORING!! I went to see this crappy movie simply for the cool visuals; Ghost Rider. Unfortunately, there were none. The camera placment, the lighting, everything - Ghost Rider on screen made me yawn (with the exception of perhaps 3 mediocre shots). I must applaud the director on this. He somehow managed to make a Biker from Hell, with a skull-on-fire, whipping around a hellfire chain, while riding a badass Harley... boring. Well done, man. That takes talent!

* How do you fight the Legion of Hell? Why, with Fistacuffs and a hellfire shotgun, of course! Yes, fist fighting followed by a SHOTGUN. Don't worry, Eva Mendes uses it, too! *groan** Oh, and don't forget the snowball fight from hell! ugggh
* Even Ghost Rider himself could not jump over the plot holes in this flick.
Example 1:
Sam Elliot: "Better stay here in this cemetary for awhile - they (Son of Satan & WB buddies) can't step on Hollowed Ground.
CUT: Son of Satan inside church making mean faces at the Priest.

* I could go on and on and on about this.....
Overall, this had NOTHING redeeming about it. It was truly PAINFUL to sit through it. If they make a Special Edition, they should replace his head with a flaming bag-o-poop.

**ok ok, perhaps I'm being too harsh. No, not really. Ok, its not a 0%, I'll give it a 2% only for those 4 semi-cool shots of Ghost Rider (which you've already seen in the trailer) and some of the "evil knievel" stuff at the beginning. Its not as bad as Catwoman only because there's a chance I may watch some of Ghost Rider again at some point in my life.

Here, save yourself time and money and just watch the trailer:

There, you've now seen all the good parts of the movie and, well, the movie itself pretty much... only without the agonzing experience of wasting 90min of your life.